The Sashman Speaks

So let me think I haven't updated this since late november and quite a lot has happened.. I got myself a new kitten after the death of my 17 year old one and she is quite a handful but worth every second that I am with her.. her name is mitzvah or mitzy ( it means blessing in hebrew) but pretty much after bringing her home as part of my family my cat of 9 years quickly became sick and on december 6 after already been brought to the vet and told that he was just very sick and given a shot and to give him time to heal and recover I had to take him to an emergency vet. Sadly he didn't make it and died in my arms * the third cat in the past 4 months to die in my arms) SO yeah that was quite a shock..  So beside dealing with a lot of the pain and hurt from that I have been turning most of my attention towards work. I have worked at borders for just over a month and I love it! I LOVE the people the atmosphere everything.. and I don't really mind the hours I have had to wake up at...

So for those of you that read this I chose to put my cat of 17 years to sleep today. She had been getting weaker and weaker and two nights ago she lost control of her hind paws and has spend the past two days/nights just sleeping her breathing becoming more shallow but never fully stopping.  I went to work today at 6:30 and came home around 12:30 and like usual she looked up at me using all her strength that she still had gave me a lil tigey smile and purred to aknowledge that I was with her. So we left at 12:30 to go to the vet and usually tigey HATES cars and car rides but today she just laid in my lap and slept.. at around 1:00 the vet came in and administered the shot and she winced a lil bit but in about 10 seconds her heart had stopped and she was gone.  I can still recall many of the details of when I first met tigey i was playing super bases loaded in our other room when my dad called upstairs saying he had a surprise for me. I came downstairs was told to close my eyes and when...

well lets see work is going well and wednesday i begin my normal work hours of 7-11 am which means waking up at 6 am again something i haven't done in a very long time.... over 8 years since highschool but i am confident that once i get back into the swing of things i will be okay. Other than that I am doing pretty good been spending time with some friends and just enjoying life.. I had a good talk with my sister who lives in brooklyn ny and we are working on a possible trip of me coming down to visit her and to also see a broadway show with her.. this was/is her birthday/xmas/chunnukah present to me which is just goign way above and beyond anything that she has ever done so I am really looking forward to it.   Other than that I have a doctors appointment this thursday to talk with my diabetes educators about whether or not I will be a good candidate to go onto an insulin pump which my endocrinologist and I think would probably be the next step in trying to get my diabetes under co...

well so far work has been fun i really like the people i am working with and the atmosphere of borders and everything that goes with it.. I am still learning the ropes and getting an understanding of what i will be doing and such but it is a lot more relaxed and easier to work.  Let me see what else have I been upto been spending time with a really nice young woman but i think that things started going a bit to fast to quickly but we are still good friends and such. So my new schedule of work will be wednesday through saturday 7 am to 11am which isn't bad at all and this will be the first time i will ever work "black friday" after spending thanksgiving with my family in boston will be comin back here getting a few hours of sleep then heading to work but it is a good time. This year I have a lot to be thankful for.. I have wonderful family and great friends who without i would be very lost. I have my health and my happiness which comes and goes like most happiness but over...

Well lets see since my last update I have had my birthday which was a wonderful night thanks to my best friend who took me out to dinner then for drinks bowling( injured my hip) and to a gentlemans club it was a great birthday night and one I will always remember.  Other than that I start work well training at borders on monday and i am really looking forward to that and earning some money and starting to gain my independence back. I also have met a very wonderful young woman and I am really looking forward seeing where things can go.. so yeah things are finally starting to settle into a good place for me. 

well tomorrow at 8:15 in the morning i will officially become a quarter of a century years of age. Over this past year a lot of stuff has gone on. I have had a long term relationship end horribly and have begun slowly moving on after beginning to accept that this break up was not my fault but was inevitable that it was going to end.  I am taking a year off from college and have moved back home and was working at one job for a couple of months and now starting next week I begin my new job at borders bookstore.  I have really grown up a lot in a year and have begun to really understand what it means to be a adult with responsibilities and with trying to live up to my own expectations and not try to live up to anyone else's.  I have had my ups and downs and have come through it stronger than I really think I could have. I know that there is still alot of growing and learning to come and it is something that I am looking forward to with an open mind and a willingness to do my best and ...

to those who read this or not i really don't care because it is my personal thoughts and feelings that I am putting down and personally I could give two shits if you like what I say.  I have over the past few weeks had lot of stuff that I have been dealing with from the continue struggle to find a job and to pursue any lead for a job that I think I can do to having a few instances where my temper which I usually keep pretty much under control has risen to the surface and for quick moments bubbled over.  I had a talk with a few people last night and it came to my realization that I really need to rediscover myself and to find who I am again..  I thought I had an idea of who that was but after talking I realized that I am still pretty confused as to who I am and who I want to be. I have been used and abused by many different people in different ways in my lifetime and I have been way to trusting and have always said well thats okay I know you didn't mean it and stuff like that an...

SO a lil update..  I have a job interview on tuesday at a local borders bookstore as a possible "book seller/ cashier/sales associate" I am quite anxious about this interview because in all honesty I need this job. Not just for having a job but i need it so i can begin to get my life back on track. This past month has been one that I do not want to see continue. I have become more edgy and have snapped at my parents more frequently for lil things but it is I think because I am just frustrated. I left my previous job because I just didn't feel the work conditions were right for me. I didn't appreciate the rudeness of customers, the hectic paced atmosphere and the routine of every night counting the drawer and coming in the next morning finding out i was off (off by a lil bit .5 .10 .15 one day 50$ but still to think you have something down and to come in and find you were wrong just shoots that confidence down to hardly zero)   SO to get beyond the initial interview ph...

So still no job and my outlook on finding one is beginning to dwindle. I try to keep a positive outlook on this but god i am soo fucking frustrated. I have applied to at least 20 places and yet nothing no calls I receive emails saying we will let you know if we (the company) would like for me to come in for an interview and I have interviewed a total of 3 times and all three times I have a week later received a postcard in the mail saying thanks for interviewing but sadly we don't have any openings or my skills don't match what the company is looking for.. I don't know what else I can keep doing beside applying and following up and such and hoping that this economy will slowly start to turn itself around but I can't keep hoping on an enconomy run by an idiot president would do anything to help me....  Beside that I am really lonely and I really just want to hang out with people but there aren't man oppertunties to do that where I am. Most of my friends are at least ...

so I had an interview today which lasted a total of 30 seconds not even that and we both realized that it wasn't a good fit for me. SO I went down to a Temp Agency and filled out a contract with them and hopefully that can bring about some possible job openings but we shall see. After that did some errands for my parents then came back here and relaxed then went to a local resteraunt to watch the first presidential debate and I was just blown away and how big of an asshole and idiot JOHN MCCAIN really is..  I am not judging anyone by anymeans but for crying out loud he just doesnt seem to understand that the american people are sick and fucking tired of 8 years GEORGE (I AM NOT AN IDIOT) BUSH  and we need a change and new leader and we need one NOW and that man is BARACK OBAMA..   here are a few choice phrases that came out of MCcain's stupid mouth: when asked about his relations with Iran: "We cannot allow another Holocaust"  EXCUSE ME how fucking dare you say someth...

So I didn't get the job at the gap and I am now moving onto seeing if I can find another job with a few upcoming job fairs. Other than that nothing much has been going on beside working on trying to find a job and working out and helping my parents with some random things around the house from running errands to helping my mom with her powerpoint presentation which I will be playing tech geek to this wednesday as she has a book signing as well as a mini presentation.  I  have also been helping my dad with scrubbing the house and today we moved onto putting a few coats of primer onto the house in order to start painting in this coming week.   I have continued to meet with my job coach and we are trying to find different jobs that I might have a good fit with and right now we are still finding that part of the job hunt difficult to date.  Other than that nothing much so i will update this later

so tomorrow I interview at the local Gap retail store and I am a bit nervous about making a good impression and all that jazz lol.. I picked out a new outfit the only problem is that since i have lost so much weight i forgot what size shirt i am and bought one a size to big oh well I still like it and will wear it...  but I just really want for this job to work out.. I learned a lot about myself from working at the coop about how to handle customers and to deal with rude ones ( I hate that) but a lot about finding a job that fits who I am .. and I am thinking that the Gap would be a good place to work.. I know some of the people there and it is a place where I think I can be more of myself and let the real Sasha come out by that I mean just being able to be social and talk with the customers and not be afraid of what to say and what not to say.. well within reason of course lol so  I have entered a raffle for redsox playoff tickets and if I do get selected I will be going there is defi...

So Today was deadline day so to speak...  I had a imposed deadline by my employer that by today I either was able to meet company standard policies which were to be able to count a drawer correctly, maintain high customer service attitudes, and be a team player... well It was decided that as hard as I tried i just couldn't match the standards set. I was repeatitly missing counting my drawer even though I would think I was at the total I needed to be at I was off usually by .5 cents 6 cents you get the idea.. I just couldn't ever get that drawer to be right.   I was also having some issues with customers. Not major ones mind you but mini ones. for example when I would ask for a customers membership number sometimes I wouldn't catch all of it because they weren't looking at me and I wouldn't be able to hear them so I would politely at least I thought politely ask them to repeat it..  One customer even said "why should I repeat it" you should have heard it th...

Well the past few days have been kinda dull.. have had work which I am still enjoying but still have issues with some of the people there mainly one of my supervisors who I swear has it out for me just her attitude she doesn't say o you are doing a better job of getting the money thing or any encouragement just basically so you know that someone from vocrehab who I am working with will be coming to observe and such.. kinda bluntly and such not really saying that she will just be there to observe and see what goes on just that she will be there like she is there to make sure I don't fuck up or at least don't fuck up too badly.. but yet I am sick and fucking tired of her and her lack of suppport and help to understand things  a few weeks ago she called me into her office and was just was very blunt and not very kind with talking with me and then she tried to get my attention by slapping her hand right infront of my face which just pissed the fuck out of me and took everything...

well the past few days have been busy I have been doing a lot of volunteering for the obama/biden campaign for both new hampshire and vermont and will continue to it again this weekend by making more phone calls and hopefully canvasing depending on the weather. And work after a rough couple of days where I actually was facing the possibility of being let go I have contacted my job coach and they met with my supervisor today and I think the meeting went well and I plan on talking with them over the next few days to see what was suggested on behalf of my work place and on behalf of the job coaches.  Also I have been watching the DNC and wow the speeches beginning with Michelle Obama and tonight with Barack Obama making a special( not so surprise) appearance at the Convention has just lifted my spirits and has made me feel so proud to say that I am a democrat and that I am a supporter of Obama/Biden and I just hope that I can do my best as a lil ole volunteer to help get them to their rig...

So earlier this summer I was supposed to get a dental procedure done to recorrect my smile which as it stems right now includes a gap where due to my cleft lip and palate a tooth never grew in. Well I had been meeting with my dentist and the surgereon who was going to be performing the procedures.  The procedure included the removal of my front 4 teeth then inserting a temporary tendure into the gap until my gums and mouth had healed the removing the denture and putting 4 new replacement teeth into those places.   Well we had been getting ready for that procedure but it had to be put on hold due to the inability of my family to be able to pay the financial end of it.  So with my ability to stay on my parents policy up when I turn 25 in october I filled out and submitted forms for vermont medicaid  and was accepted so I know am still covered till my birthday if not longer due to the possibility of having to have to get a insulin pump prescribed to me.   However, I am not sure if either ...

well today I went and met with my dr and found out that my recent weight loss could be more determental to my health than it  might have appeared to be.  Since I moved back home I have lost over 25 pounds and but that might be due to my high hemoglobin A1c's which are NOT where they should be. A reasonable good # is around 6.. my numbers are twice that yes 12.2 (NOT GOOD) plus ontop of that my cholestrol is in the 260 range which is also due to the high blood sugars.   SO the plan now is to look into getting onto an insulin pump sooner rather than later. TO do this I need to go and take a test to see whether or not my body is still producing insulin and if so how much and then from there we go and get my health insurance to okay the pump.  The reasoning behind this is to head off the possible complications of diabetes which can include kidney issues (which I already have a small one which is one of my kidney's is smaller than the other and leaks protein) so I already have that ...

Yesterday morning at around 5:45 I was woken up by a LOUD pitched scream coming from my cat rosey who was under my bed. I quickly picked her up and realized she was having difficulty breathing taking large breaths every few minutes but not being able to move. I put her on a pillow and she flopped didn't move just layed there then at one time she tried to get up but didn't have the strength and toppled to the floor just a few inches below my bed.    I picked her up and laid her back on the pillow and just petted her letting her know that I was there for her and that she wasn't alone.   My other 3 cats came in and quickly realized that something was wrong and as cats seem to know when something is wrong quickly left the room leaving rosey and I together to spend her last minutes.   I just sat on my bed petting her and letting her know I was there and that she was not alone as I stated earlier here but yet at around 6:20 she took her final breath a long breath then her mouth c...

well i dont usually like to dwell on the fact that i am in fact single but i guess it still hurts especially in the way that it ended. Now I won't go into details about how it all came crashing down but lets just say it was due to end but the way it did was not how I expected it to.  but what in the past stays in the past but it still leaves that empty void in my heart that I am finding harder and harder to fill.  I am not saying  I haven't met anyone, but most of the people I talk with are online and the chances of ever meeting them are very remote it is finding that person around my area that is harder to do. As a friend said it is hard to find people in such a remote area where I live.. it would be easier to do in a bigger city like atmosphere where there is more going on and more to do.   There is that issue but the other issue is trying to save enough money so that I can get back to school to finish up my education.  I really have a feeling in the back of my head and heart...

Well Work is going as well as can be expected I have I think finally figured out the best way to count down money after talking with one of my supervisors who gave me some pointers and some hints on how do it it seems to have worked which is reducing the amount of time that I have to spend inside the sometimes very crowded countdown room so from spending 30 minutes I have been able the past few times to count down my drawer in less than 15 minutes which is making me less stressed, my supervisors less aggrivated waiting for me to countdown.    SO okay other than work nothing much has been going on been watchin the olympics and two nights ago I think was one of the most exciting events I have ever seen on tv.. the 4x100 individual mens relay had the closest finish of any race it was incredibly insane the US was a few arm lengths away at the beginning of the final push and then at the final 15 meeters the US just flew past the french and won by .8 one hundreths of a second.. it was crazy....

Well today at work was not the easiest of days.. it started out well but at the end it didn't go so well. Counting money is my downfall it seems. I have a system that works most of the time but the past couple of days it hasn't come that easy.. especially tonight it wasn't my night.. I got off register at 9 and then it began counting down my drawer.. well every time I counted it down I kept getting different counts so I kept counting and recounting and still couldn't end up with the same amount of money that I needed to get.   SO at 9:30 was told I thought kinda rudely by my supervisor that "its 9:30 we want to go home" well I can understand that she wanted to go home and that with my counting my money it wasn't going to be easy to get out before 10:00 but still the attitude I could have used without but oh well..  so came home in a pissed off mood but I emailed my job coach and we shall see what happens hopefully they can help me find a better system of c...

Okay so lets start at the beginning!!  So I  found out in mid may that I would be unable to acquire the personal loan that I had been able to get just a year ago due to policy changes at the corperation. So I am taking this next year or maybe 2 off to save some money so I can get back and finish my education which I am a year away from completing.  So I packed up my apartment with my dad's help and moved back to my childhood home and room still looks, smells and feels the same even though I haven't fully lived here since I was 21 but it is nice to be home albeit my parents house but still it is nice.   Work: I have been working the past month as a Baseball Umpire for prep and jr babe ruth games and have enjoyed being behind the plate again calling balls and strikes and of course hearing it from those crazy fans that just love to heckle me ( but that is part of the game isn't it??)  other than also been working at a local food coop as a a cashier which is quite enjoyable and...