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What a LIFE

So let me think I haven't updated this since late november and quite a lot has happened.. I got myself a new kitten after the death of my 17 year old one and she is quite a handful but worth every second that I am with her.. her name is mitzvah or mitzy ( it means blessing in hebrew) but pretty much after bringing her home as part of my family my cat of 9 years quickly became sick and on december 6 after already been brought to the vet and told that he was just very sick and given a shot and to give him time to heal and recover I had to take him to an emergency vet. Sadly he didn't make it and died in my arms * the third cat in the past 4 months to die in my arms) SO yeah that was quite a shock..
 So beside dealing with a lot of the pain and hurt from that I have been turning most of my attention towards work. I have worked at borders for just over a month and I love it! I LOVE the people the atmosphere everything.. and I don't really mind the hours I have had to wake up at 4 am 5 am and 6 am to work at 5 am 6 am and 7 am respectively but I have only missed two days of work 1 was when I was sick and the other was when we got nailed with an ICE STORM that hasn't been seen since 1995. SO I have really shown my dedication to work even showing up 2 hours to only find out that I didn't have to be there oops.. plus I have also worked over my scheduled shift and have come in on days off to work so I am hoping that when management meets starting next week and is able to figure out how many hours are available that even if my hours get reduced that i will still have a job. To just add to that statement it doesn't help when my parents keep asking me when i will find out if I will still have a job.. just adds more pressure onto my shoulders which are broad enough already.

BUt to be completely honest I am soo sick and tired of my life right now.. I don't have my friends locally that I can call up and say want to get a drink with ( well I also don't have a lot of money to be able to do that) but yet I am soo trapped here I am not a real bar/club person so that eliminates me going out to those kinds of places unless I am with friends but ala i don't have many of those right now.. and it doesn't help that there is someone that I really like and we really have a great connection but that she is currently dating an asshoel who is very disrespectful to her and takes her for granted and such but yet I can't tell her that I want her to leave him because I know what it is like to be the guy that gets dumped and it sucks so i wouldn't ever put that onto anyone.. I just really am frustrated because basically this is my life.. wake up at 4, 5 or 6 work anywhere from 4-8 hours shifts come home and check email take a quick nap maybe go for a workout at the gym come home and go to bed only to do the same routine again the next day.. I miss just being able to have friends to see and spend time with I miss having a girlfriend that I can call and talk with and spend time with and I don't mean just sexually but to just sit down and talk with I just miss that..
And it doesn't help that I keep pushing things back and back till they get piled up and I flip which I did on my father.. 
   My relationship with him has really changed since I graduated highschool and it has a lot of old pains that we still rehash everytime that we argue we are bringing up that old shit plus whatever we are arguing aboutand it just leads us to getting frustrated with eachother and yeah.. I just I LOVE and don't get me wrong I DO love my family I just I feel like such a burden on them and I do my best to help out by doing errands and other small things but I just wish I was on my own again and not living in my old room adding to the tension and issues that have continued to go round and round for way to long.. I have come to the decision that I will not be going back to school for at least 5 years because all the money that I earn I put straight into my checking account so I can pay my bills and I can't save enough money to get an apartment even though that is I think what I need I need my own place again a place that I can call HOME.. where I can feel like I am putting my full effort into not just a lil room in my parents home.. 
 UGH this is soo pethetic.. but such is my life

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