The Sashman Speaks

Well with Summer finally here, I am starting to look into the possibility of new possible changes in my life. Ever since I was little I have wanted to move either to boston or some other part of new england and with recent changes in my life I maybe able to do that sooner rather then later. My job as a personal assistant has come to an end but it was a wonderful time working with such a great person and I learned soo much about the Real Estate market and how the ebb and flow of it can really dictate how you can see a lot of different opportunities come and go. I am currently on my way down to Boston to visit my best friend and to begin maybe looking into moving down there at the end of the summer depending on whether or not I receive any job offers while I am still home which may or may not happen. ( I do have an interview scheduled for when I return from my trip and I will try and update this and let those few viewers who read this know how it went.) BUt when it comes to what I ...

With the recent news of the death of Osma Bin Laden, it makes me think of the phrase of Ghandi, " An eye for an eye.. makes the whole world blind." Now I am a proud American and love being part of this country, but I still can't bring myself to celebrate the death of another human being. I know that 9/11 was a horrific day in the lives of many around the world and that this man who caused it I do believe did deserve justice.. but to celebrate his death? I just think that in a time of soo much uneasieness and unknowingness, that yes we should be proud to be americans and citizens of the world, but NEVER should we take for granted that we are also HUMAN and we are connected by being alive and breathing like everyone else around us. I feel for those who soon to be 10 years ago lost a family member, friend, etc.. in the attacks of 9/11 don't get me wrong I feel for them and I am glad that in a way they can now finally have peace in their lives knowing that the perso...

When I think of who I am or look at myself what do I see...I see a man who every day wakes up hoping that that today will be better then last. I see someone who has been through soo much pain and heart ache that I wonder How I keep staying soo postive I see A fighter someone who will will continue each and every day to try and make myself a better person I see someone who still has soo much potential that I have yet to reach. I see someone who is a friend, brother, son, Why is it that when I look at myself I think that I am a failure??? why is it that I see someone who no matter what I do I am never satisfied or I think that I am not living upto all this potential I am scared of possibly never reaching my full potential. I am scared that I will always feel like I have underachieved I am scared I will not be the person that people hope I will be.I think that the lyrics to the Weepies song " Can't Go Back Now" fits what I am feeling "Yesturday when you were young eve...

So lets see.. I am still fighting and struggling and trying to figure things out but yet there is soo much that I am still confused about. I can't seem to figure out how to continue to be soo open and caring and wanting for my friends to be happy and to do what I can do be a good friend but yet why is it that I sometimes never receive the same in return?? I have great friends and I have people that I know care about and want for me to be happy, and take my friendship as special as I take theirs, yet there are times when I just wish I could have just a bit more in return, is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to be treated with dignity and respect the same as I treat you? I mean when did we take for granted how we are treated and treat other people? Is there something wrong with me? was I taught differently? what did I do?

So, this weekend is definitely one that I am glad is coming to a close. Saturday I received a phone call from someone inviting me out for a drink and to go see a local theatre production. Well lets just say I shouldn't have left my warm comfy room. I was dooped the person who called never showed up and I was left standing in the cold waiting for an hour and half.. now you may wonder why I waited soo long.. well its because I always believe that you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, but yeah for 90 minutes I waited and wondered what happened, until I finally came home and was in a bad mood. SO today, drove to meet someone I had been talking with for about a week and thought that there was a definite connection with them only to when we did meet have her pull a 180 and be totally bored, and uninterested in being with me. This is seriously starting to get on my nerves, the fact that I am a good genuine nice guy and yet women for the most part seem to not want anything ...

I first watched this movie a week after my own attempt at ending my life, and it brought alot of what was going on in my life at the time to light and made me actually slowly appreciate the small things in life that I do have. I have a great family, wonderful supportive friends, who care about and maybe even like me in return. After a friend suggested I rent a movie, I went out and rented this movie again and once again it reminded me how precious life is and how I do have a lot going for me even though sometime I may feel like I don't have a lot going and that my life is in upheaval, that I know that things have a way of working out and that I just need to balance myself between pushing myself to go after what I want and to be patient and letting things come to me. The Phoenix is once again preparing for liftoff

These past couple of weeks haven't been the easiest for me to go thorough but thats life right, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Well with that in mind here is a lil bit of what has gone on. I have gone out a couple of times, but sadly nothing too serious has worked out, though on the other hand I met really cool people that have become friends ! However, I am continuing to feel like I am not getting respected and being mistreated by people who call themselves my friends. I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with and to be friends with, but I try and give my heart and my ear, my advise and my friendship to anyone who wants to be my friend, and all I ask is that I be treated with the same in return. Is that too much to ask? maybe it is I don't know, but I am getting a lil tired of always being there for friends but then when I am in need of someone to talk with there really isn't anyone who is there, and if they are they aren't really ...

So a new month is upon us.. the groundhog didn't see his shadow so theoretically that means 6 fewer weeks of winter right??? I soo hate winter, I mean compared to last year I was busy with filming basketball games, and was doing other activities and this winter its like everything has come to a grinding halt. My hours have due to the real estate economy been reduced, but I still enjoy going to work and having fun. BUT I am not filming and getting out into the community as much as I would like. I feel soo completely empty like there isn't really much driving me to go out and do things. I have gone out on a couple dates but they just end up moving on and deleting me after that date. I just want it to be spring so I can be out on a baseball field where I feel most confident and at ease and happy... happiness, everyone else seems to have it or find it or enjoy it, why can't I ???

So.... went out on a date this past weekend and thought it went pretty well only to later get a message saying that sadly there wasn't any romantic chemistry between us. Sometimes that happens, but my recent streak of one and done dates I wish would just end. I mean i know that I am not the greatest guy in the world and that I am not perfect but I try and do my best. A friend of mine told me today to be proud of who and what I am and not to dwell too much on what I don't have but to accept what I do. I mean I do this for the most part, but who doesn't wish they were abit taller, or more beautiful, richer. etc... but I think sometimes you need to be happy with who and what you are. I have great friends and I am truly blessed and lucky to have each and every one of them in my life. I have also realized that during the last few weeks, I really haven't been myself. I have been more depressed and just saddened but I know that good times are ahead of me.. just gotta keep o...

You Think You Know Me BUT... you don't see the nights when I can't sleep You Think You Know Me BUT... you don't see the pain behind my laugh and my attempt at a smile You Think You Know Me BUT the effort I keep putting in day in and day out to make each day a success hoping that I won't fail You Think You Know Me But... I am a mess, and just because I don't let you see the pain and hurt in my life You See A resiliant and confident person .. but at times its just an act, its not me.. the question is who am I??? I am Sasha I am a brother, a son, a friend, a fighter, I have many different talents, not one defines me. I am always trying to make my friends feel my love and appreciation, even if I don't always receive it in return. You See someone who you want to see .. but is that really me??? I wonder who I am and if I don't know who I am, how can sometimes a complete stranger know or think they know me better then I know me???? it makes no sense to me. ...

Well its the first update of hopefully many more in 2011. Tomorrow I begin working my 3rd job at a local recreation program working the scorers table at basketball games. I did this last year and truly enjoyed it and I am glad and excited to be doing it once again. Work at the real estate company has surpassed the 3 month mark which is quite an personal accomplishment for me, since most jobs I have had last about 3 months before they end. I truly love being around the people there and doing lil things to keep my boss organized and happy and its just a very relaxed and good natured atmosphere to work in. Filming is going well, already have filmed about 3 basketball games and will be filming many more in the upcoming weeks. Other then that nothing to exciting just living life and enjoying as much as I can.