The Sashman Speaks

So lets see.. I am still fighting and struggling and trying to figure things out but yet there is soo much that I am still confused about. I can't seem to figure out how to continue to be soo open and caring and wanting for my friends to be happy and to do what I can do be a good friend but yet why is it that I sometimes never receive the same in return?? I have great friends and I have people that I know care about and want for me to be happy, and take my friendship as special as I take theirs, yet there are times when I just wish I could have just a bit more in return, is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to be treated with dignity and respect the same as I treat you? I mean when did we take for granted how we are treated and treat other people? Is there something wrong with me? was I taught differently? what did I do?

So, this weekend is definitely one that I am glad is coming to a close. Saturday I received a phone call from someone inviting me out for a drink and to go see a local theatre production. Well lets just say I shouldn't have left my warm comfy room. I was dooped the person who called never showed up and I was left standing in the cold waiting for an hour and half.. now you may wonder why I waited soo long.. well its because I always believe that you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, but yeah for 90 minutes I waited and wondered what happened, until I finally came home and was in a bad mood. SO today, drove to meet someone I had been talking with for about a week and thought that there was a definite connection with them only to when we did meet have her pull a 180 and be totally bored, and uninterested in being with me. This is seriously starting to get on my nerves, the fact that I am a good genuine nice guy and yet women for the most part seem to not want anything ...

I first watched this movie a week after my own attempt at ending my life, and it brought alot of what was going on in my life at the time to light and made me actually slowly appreciate the small things in life that I do have. I have a great family, wonderful supportive friends, who care about and maybe even like me in return. After a friend suggested I rent a movie, I went out and rented this movie again and once again it reminded me how precious life is and how I do have a lot going for me even though sometime I may feel like I don't have a lot going and that my life is in upheaval, that I know that things have a way of working out and that I just need to balance myself between pushing myself to go after what I want and to be patient and letting things come to me. The Phoenix is once again preparing for liftoff

These past couple of weeks haven't been the easiest for me to go thorough but thats life right, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Well with that in mind here is a lil bit of what has gone on. I have gone out a couple of times, but sadly nothing too serious has worked out, though on the other hand I met really cool people that have become friends ! However, I am continuing to feel like I am not getting respected and being mistreated by people who call themselves my friends. I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with and to be friends with, but I try and give my heart and my ear, my advise and my friendship to anyone who wants to be my friend, and all I ask is that I be treated with the same in return. Is that too much to ask? maybe it is I don't know, but I am getting a lil tired of always being there for friends but then when I am in need of someone to talk with there really isn't anyone who is there, and if they are they aren't really ...

So a new month is upon us.. the groundhog didn't see his shadow so theoretically that means 6 fewer weeks of winter right??? I soo hate winter, I mean compared to last year I was busy with filming basketball games, and was doing other activities and this winter its like everything has come to a grinding halt. My hours have due to the real estate economy been reduced, but I still enjoy going to work and having fun. BUT I am not filming and getting out into the community as much as I would like. I feel soo completely empty like there isn't really much driving me to go out and do things. I have gone out on a couple dates but they just end up moving on and deleting me after that date. I just want it to be spring so I can be out on a baseball field where I feel most confident and at ease and happy... happiness, everyone else seems to have it or find it or enjoy it, why can't I ???